I took a pregnancy test yesterday. Just had a feeling. I've had a feeling for 2 weeks, but there was no reason for me to actually think I was pregnant. We're not trying, and not planning on trying anytime very soon. Chase has been high on baby fever for a while now, but I'm just not ready.
Apparently God thinks I'm ready though, because I'm pregnant.
I know I should be excited and happy and crying tears of joy, but I'm just not there yet. I'm in complete shock. A couple weeks back, my stomach was kind of crampy for a few days, and I immediately thought, "I'm pregnant." Then I convinced myself I was being paranoid, (because seriously, WE WERE NOT TRYING, - actually, we were trying to prevent it - and it took 3 months of lots of trying to get pregnant the first time!) and made some joke about, "If I'm pregnant, then God must REALLY want us to have a baby right now!" Well, apparently He does.
It's not that I don't want to be pregnant. I do, really. Just because this baby wasn't expected does NOT mean that it is unwanted. I'm just still in scared mode. We're nowhere financially ready for this. We have unpaid medical bills. We're in the middle of some home improvements that are still going to cost money, but that we really need to finish. We are in desperate need for a new couch. We have car issues. And, this one may sound stupid, but my sister is pregnant and I really didn't want to be pregnant while she was. I mean, that usually a fun thing (and it was last time!) but I got married 6 months after her, had my first child 5 months after she had her first, and now I'm going to have my second child 3-4 months after she has her second. I really wanted her to have this pregnancy all to herself. I wanted her to have all the attention and fun, and for these 9 months to just be all about her and this precious girl that she is carrying. Plus, the middle-child in me wanted to prove everyone wrong that said "Well, Meredith's is pregnant, now it's your turn!"
The thing I kept telling Chase last night was, "I'm just not ready!" But I don't know if I would have ever felt ready, so honestly, I think it's a huge blessing. I don't have time to go over all the math of our finances, and make all the Excel charts (yep, I'm that wife) and explain to Chase how we really can't afford a baby right now. I can't tell Chase "Why don't we just hold off one more month." I can't fret over whether or not I think Jackson is old enough for me to handle along with a newborn.
I know I should be excited. People struggle for years to get pregnant, and this came so easily for us. But I'm just so nervous and scared, that I haven't reached that excited point yet. I'm not trying to be ungrateful. I know that this is a blessing. I know the happy feeling will come. But I think it will take a little time for everything to sink in. When we found out we were pregnant with Jackson, it was so hard not to tell people. This time, it's not that way. I don't think I could tell anyone right now, because I'm not sure if I believe it myself. I got the positive test pretty early, so I still feel completely fine (except for a complete lack of appetite). So I'm just waiting to see that little heartbeat flickering on the screen.
Thinking about that does get me a little excited :)